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Hidalgo

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OPENS APRIL 9, CERT 12A, 136 MINS "Based on a true story," Hidalgo tells the tale of half-Indian Pony Express rider Frank T Hopkins (Viggo Mortensen), who salves the pain of witnessing the infamous Wounded Knee massacre by signing up for Saudi Arabia's legendary "Ocean of Fire" horse marathon, in which he and horse Hidalgo trek 3000 miles across the unforgiving desert. Along the way, Hopkins rubs shoulders with a beautiful desert princess (Zuleikha Robinson), a wily old sheik (Omar Sharif, hamming it up nicely) and a scheming English toff (Louise Lombard). It's very expensively mounted and 100 per cent untrue. Sure, Hopkins existed, but the rest is bullshit?he never set foot in Saudi Arabia, and you won't find the "Ocean of Fire" in the history books. This wouldn't matter if the flick was good, but it's not. It's emotionally fraudulent, poorly constructed nonsense. The anti-Seabiscuit, if you will. Hidalgo squeaks one star for a great Malcolm McDowell cameo and Mortensen's undoubted star power, but even Viggo's laser-eyed charisma can't rescue this overlong pile of steaming Turkish Delight-laced horseshit.

OPENS APRIL 9, CERT 12A, 136 MINS

“Based on a true story,” Hidalgo tells the tale of half-Indian Pony Express rider Frank T Hopkins (Viggo Mortensen), who salves the pain of witnessing the infamous Wounded Knee massacre by signing up for Saudi Arabia’s legendary “Ocean of Fire” horse marathon, in which he and horse Hidalgo trek 3000 miles across the unforgiving desert. Along the way, Hopkins rubs shoulders with a beautiful desert princess (Zuleikha Robinson), a wily old sheik (Omar Sharif, hamming it up nicely) and a scheming English toff (Louise Lombard). It’s very expensively mounted and 100 per cent untrue.

Sure, Hopkins existed, but the rest is bullshit?he never set foot in Saudi Arabia, and you won’t find the “Ocean of Fire” in the history books. This wouldn’t matter if the flick was good, but it’s not. It’s emotionally fraudulent, poorly constructed nonsense. The anti-Seabiscuit, if you will. Hidalgo squeaks one star for a great Malcolm McDowell cameo and Mortensen’s undoubted star power, but even Viggo’s laser-eyed charisma can’t rescue this overlong pile of steaming Turkish Delight-laced horseshit.

House Of 1000 Corpses

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Sleazecore rocker Rob Zombie pays homage to the golden 1970s heyday of psycho-slasher flicks with his wilfully trashy but memorably nightmarish debut feature, which makes up for a slow start with its final descent into a shock-rocking Hellzone of backwoods mutants, Satanic serial killers, hardcore violence and unimaginable torture. Mixing grainy film stock and period detail, Zombie takes inspiration from Driller Killer, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Evil Dead and other midnight-movie classics.

Sleazecore rocker Rob Zombie pays homage to the golden 1970s heyday of psycho-slasher flicks with his wilfully trashy but memorably nightmarish debut feature, which makes up for a slow start with its final descent into a shock-rocking Hellzone of backwoods mutants, Satanic serial killers, hardcore violence and unimaginable torture. Mixing grainy film stock and period detail, Zombie takes inspiration from Driller Killer, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Evil Dead and other midnight-movie classics.

Wilbur (Wants To Kill Himself)

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Kooky low-budget Brit-flick gets a moribund Scandinavian once-over as Danish Dogme disciple Lone Scherfig (Italian For Beginners) directs this contrived tale of two contrasting Glaswegian brothers?one is dying, one wants to die; one is sexy, one is square, etc?caught in a love triangle with mousy hospital worker Shirley Henderson. Annoying.

Kooky low-budget Brit-flick gets a moribund Scandinavian once-over as Danish Dogme disciple Lone Scherfig (Italian For Beginners) directs this contrived tale of two contrasting Glaswegian brothers?one is dying, one wants to die; one is sexy, one is square, etc?caught in a love triangle with mousy hospital worker Shirley Henderson. Annoying.

Petites Coupures

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Cynical lapsed communist Daniel Auteuil gets lost driving through a dark forest, and encounters haughty bilingual seductress Kristin Scott Thomas. An episodic shaggy dog story ensues, sprayed with romance and bleak jokes. Pascal Bonitzer writes/directs a unique, odd mystery which is splendidly acted by all. Let's face it, if you're casting a haughty bilingual seductress, Kristin's your woman.

Cynical lapsed communist Daniel Auteuil gets lost driving through a dark forest, and encounters haughty bilingual seductress Kristin Scott Thomas. An episodic shaggy dog story ensues, sprayed with romance and bleak jokes. Pascal Bonitzer writes/directs a unique, odd mystery which is splendidly acted by all. Let’s face it, if you’re casting a haughty bilingual seductress, Kristin’s your woman.

Bollywood Queen

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Bright, polished but ultimately lightweight Britcom about a forbidden romance between a London girl of Indian parents (Preeya Kalidas) and a white English boy (James McAvoy), Jeremy Wooding and former NME editor Neil Spencer's debut feature rehashes a bog-standard culture-clash plot. The incorporation of Hindi film song-and-dance numbers into a naturalistic story is a nice touch, but at heart this is the kind of creaky yarn that might have made a generic TV drama at best.

Bright, polished but ultimately lightweight Britcom about a forbidden romance between a London girl of Indian parents (Preeya Kalidas) and a white English boy (James McAvoy), Jeremy Wooding and former NME editor Neil Spencer’s debut feature rehashes a bog-standard culture-clash plot. The incorporation of Hindi film song-and-dance numbers into a naturalistic story is a nice touch, but at heart this is the kind of creaky yarn that might have made a generic TV drama at best.

Raising Victor Vargas

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Peter Stollett's refreshing debut is somewhere between Larry Clark's Kids and a witty Lower East Side comedy of manners. It takes a hugely charismatic teen cast, light docu-style shooting and a textured screenplay and then follows eponymous virgin-surgeon Victor (Victor Rasuk) and his embattled Latino clan over one momentous and hormonally challenged summer.

Peter Stollett’s refreshing debut is somewhere between Larry Clark’s Kids and a witty Lower East Side comedy of manners. It takes a hugely charismatic teen cast, light docu-style shooting and a textured screenplay and then follows eponymous virgin-surgeon Victor (Victor Rasuk) and his embattled Latino clan over one momentous and hormonally challenged summer.

Buffalo ’66

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For all his bravado, Vincent Gallo's reputation as a lunatic genius rests chiefly on this (not always intentionally) hilarious/absurd 1998 psalm of self-pity. The writer/director stars as a just-freed convict who forces Christina Ricci's dancer to pretend to be his wife to impress his folks. It's beautifully shot, and support from Mickey Rourke and other cult figures is staunch.

For all his bravado, Vincent Gallo’s reputation as a lunatic genius rests chiefly on this (not always intentionally) hilarious/absurd 1998 psalm of self-pity. The writer/director stars as a just-freed convict who forces Christina Ricci’s dancer to pretend to be his wife to impress his folks. It’s beautifully shot, and support from Mickey Rourke and other cult figures is staunch.

The Trip

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Before The Trip starts, an earnest middle-aged voice warns us that we're about to witness "a shocking commentary on a prevalent trend of our time". This is Roger Corman's ass-covering joke at Middle America's expense:his 1967 drugzploitation classic is nothing more than Jack Nicholson's paean to lysergic acid. Ad exec Peter Fonda takes the trip in question, encountering sundry LA groovers along the way: Bruce Dern, the inevitable Dennis Hopper, even an unknown Gram Parsons. Turn on and tune in!

Before The Trip starts, an earnest middle-aged voice warns us that we’re about to witness “a shocking commentary on a prevalent trend of our time”. This is Roger Corman’s ass-covering joke at Middle America’s expense:his 1967 drugzploitation classic is nothing more than Jack Nicholson’s paean to lysergic acid. Ad exec Peter Fonda takes the trip in question, encountering sundry LA groovers along the way: Bruce Dern, the inevitable Dennis Hopper, even an unknown Gram Parsons. Turn on and tune in!

I’m All Right Jack

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Swiping gleefully at management, and more affectionately at the unions, this uproarious satire on the politics of British working life is probably the best-loved Boulting Brothers movie. Ian Carmichael stars as the well-meaning university stooge used to provoke a strike by crooked industrialists Richard Attenborough and Dennis Price?but the film belongs to the ever-nimble Peter Sellers, sublime as the buzzcut factory shop steward with a Hitler moustache. A by-the-book cartoon, but curiously sympathetic.

Swiping gleefully at management, and more affectionately at the unions, this uproarious satire on the politics of British working life is probably the best-loved Boulting Brothers movie. Ian Carmichael stars as the well-meaning university stooge used to provoke a strike by crooked industrialists Richard Attenborough and Dennis Price?but the film belongs to the ever-nimble Peter Sellers, sublime as the buzzcut factory shop steward with a Hitler moustache. A by-the-book cartoon, but curiously sympathetic.

The Draughtsman’s Contract

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Peter Greenaway's period piece concerns a 17th-century draughtsman (Anthony Higgins) who agrees to make a series of drawings of her country estate for an aristocrat's wife (Janet Suzman) in return for sexual favours. Part picture puzzle, part murder mystery, it's undeniably stylish and intriguing, but also totally unerotic and bleakly existential.

Peter Greenaway’s period piece concerns a 17th-century draughtsman (Anthony Higgins) who agrees to make a series of drawings of her country estate for an aristocrat’s wife (Janet Suzman) in return for sexual favours. Part picture puzzle, part murder mystery, it’s undeniably stylish and intriguing, but also totally unerotic and bleakly existential.

Floating Weeds

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Revered by film-making legends from Alain Resnais to Martin Scorsese, the Japanese director Yasijuro Ozu specialised in minutely observed and exquisitely composed domestic dramas. Made in 1959, Floating Weeds was one of Ozu's last features, a remake of one of his early silents about backstage politics and romantic turbulence among a troupe of travelling Kabuki theatre players. The subject may sound alien but Ozu makes their problems timeless and universal.

Revered by film-making legends from Alain Resnais to Martin Scorsese, the Japanese director Yasijuro Ozu specialised in minutely observed and exquisitely composed domestic dramas. Made in 1959, Floating Weeds was one of Ozu’s last features, a remake of one of his early silents about backstage politics and romantic turbulence among a troupe of travelling Kabuki theatre players. The subject may sound alien but Ozu makes their problems timeless and universal.

Finding Nemo

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Just the most delightful Pixar movie yet, as Albert Brooks' worrisome clown fish Marlin travels half way round the world in search of missing son Nemo, aided by Ellen DeGeneres' scatty Dory. Tightly written, warm-hearted but never sentimental, and graced by a series of perfectly judged celebrity cameos headed by Eric Bana's vegetarian shark. Superb.

Just the most delightful Pixar movie yet, as Albert Brooks’ worrisome clown fish Marlin travels half way round the world in search of missing son Nemo, aided by Ellen DeGeneres’ scatty Dory. Tightly written, warm-hearted but never sentimental, and graced by a series of perfectly judged celebrity cameos headed by Eric Bana’s vegetarian shark. Superb.

Schindler’s List Special Edition

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It'll forever remain one of the great, blessed blips of cinema history. Flashy populist Spielberg crafted in '93 the definitive Holocaust portrayal. He educated and disturbed while avoiding exploitation. Scale and intimacy were balanced, the intensity was just the right side of too much. Austrian businessman Schindler (Liam Neeson) bribes the SS and saves over a thousand Jews from death. It's the many who didn't make the list you think about. Ralph Fiennes is a mesmerising bully. This transcends because of Spielberg's restraint; not just in the black-and-white photography but in what's shown and what's (just) hidden. A moving miracle.

It’ll forever remain one of the great, blessed blips of cinema history. Flashy populist Spielberg crafted in ’93 the definitive Holocaust portrayal. He educated and disturbed while avoiding exploitation. Scale and intimacy were balanced, the intensity was just the right side of too much.

Austrian businessman Schindler (Liam Neeson) bribes the SS and saves over a thousand Jews from death. It’s the many who didn’t make the list you think about. Ralph Fiennes is a mesmerising bully. This transcends because of Spielberg’s restraint; not just in the black-and-white photography but in what’s shown and what’s (just) hidden. A moving miracle.

An Evening With Kevin Smith

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From the man whose new movie, Jersey Girl, is promoted as "not featuring J-Lo very much really",here's a two-disc highlight set of his popular Q&A sessions at American colleges?his natural demographic. Frank, funny and quick to ridicule dumb questions,"Silent Bob" is a great raconteur, dissing Hollywood, Tim Burton and Prince ("a Jesus freak"),and revealing the truth behind his doomed Superman Lives script. Irreverent.

From the man whose new movie, Jersey Girl, is promoted as “not featuring J-Lo very much really”,here’s a two-disc highlight set of his popular Q&A sessions at American colleges?his natural demographic. Frank, funny and quick to ridicule dumb questions,”Silent Bob” is a great raconteur, dissing Hollywood, Tim Burton and Prince (“a Jesus freak”),and revealing the truth behind his doomed Superman Lives script. Irreverent.

Iron Monkey

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Eye-popping action from venerable screen kung fu master Yuen Woo-Ping. Iron Monkey stars Yu Rong-kwong as Dr Yang, who masquerades as the eponymous high-kicking Robin Hood-style hero. Clocking in at an extremely zippy 86 minutes, this superbly choreographed chopsocky flick is the inspiration for both The Matrix and Crouching Tiger...

Eye-popping action from venerable screen kung fu master Yuen Woo-Ping. Iron Monkey stars Yu Rong-kwong as Dr Yang, who masquerades as the eponymous high-kicking Robin Hood-style hero. Clocking in at an extremely zippy 86 minutes, this superbly choreographed chopsocky flick is the inspiration for both The Matrix and Crouching Tiger…

War Roundup

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This WWII melodrama from Delmer Daves, director of all-time classic western Broken Arrow, has two great showcase roles for Frank Sinatra (poor, principled officer) and Tony Curtis (wealthy, mean sergeant). The romantic sub-plot has dated badly, but the battle scenes are still worth a look.

This WWII melodrama from Delmer Daves, director of all-time classic western Broken Arrow, has two great showcase roles for Frank Sinatra (poor, principled officer) and Tony Curtis (wealthy, mean sergeant). The romantic sub-plot has dated badly, but the battle scenes are still worth a look.

Spy Kids 3D: Game Over

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The third in Robert Rodriguez's winning series sees the plucky youngsters enter a maniacal video-game world to confront misunderstood supervillain Sylvester Stallone. Plot barely matters, though, as the movie exists only for Rodriguez to indulge in a rampant, sweetly senseless exercise in reviving retro-3D gimmickry. All in all, how Tron should have been.

The third in Robert Rodriguez’s winning series sees the plucky youngsters enter a maniacal video-game world to confront misunderstood supervillain Sylvester Stallone. Plot barely matters, though, as the movie exists only for Rodriguez to indulge in a rampant, sweetly senseless exercise in reviving retro-3D gimmickry. All in all, how Tron should have been.

Werckmeister Harmonies – Damnation

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Hungarian monochrome master Bela Tarr doesn't piss around with frivolities like humour, logic or even much in the way of dialogue. And yet these lean, unstintingly intense films about people walking around a lot, suffering for love (in Damnation) or trying to prevent society from descending into chaos (Werckmeister Harmonies) are transcendent. At the very least, this will make illuminating viewing for fans of Gus Van Sant's last two flicks, Gerry and Elephant, since Tarr's work directly inspired them.

Hungarian monochrome master Bela Tarr doesn’t piss around with frivolities like humour, logic or even much in the way of dialogue. And yet these lean, unstintingly intense films about people walking around a lot, suffering for love (in Damnation) or trying to prevent society from descending into chaos (Werckmeister Harmonies) are transcendent. At the very least, this will make illuminating viewing for fans of Gus Van Sant’s last two flicks, Gerry and Elephant, since Tarr’s work directly inspired them.

Gerry

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Gob-smackingly ill-suited to the small screen, Gus Van Sant's infuriating and addictive road movie is a tale of two Gerrys (Matt Damon and Casey Affleck) lost in the desert. It's also a sumptuous Utah travelogue. And a pompous Beckettian comedy. And a sly parable on human frailty. But by then you'll have switched off the TV.

Gob-smackingly ill-suited to the small screen, Gus Van Sant’s infuriating and addictive road movie is a tale of two Gerrys (Matt Damon and Casey Affleck) lost in the desert. It’s also a sumptuous Utah travelogue. And a pompous Beckettian comedy. And a sly parable on human frailty. But by then you’ll have switched off the TV.

Spirited Away

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Just when you thought that Pixar had colonised the universe of Western kids' imaginations, here came something fabulously rich and strange from the East. Spirited Away is an apt title for an animation classic that literally transports the viewer into a parallel visual world of gods and magic. Whether it's an allegory of greed and innocence or merely a psychedelic feast, this implicitly anti-Disney epic is never cosy or sanitised. And its decorative detail is breathtaking.

Just when you thought that Pixar had colonised the universe of Western kids’ imaginations, here came something fabulously rich and strange from the East. Spirited Away is an apt title for an animation classic that literally transports the viewer into a parallel visual world of gods and magic. Whether it’s an allegory of greed and innocence or merely a psychedelic feast, this implicitly anti-Disney epic is never cosy or sanitised. And its decorative detail is breathtaking.

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