Are there any past members of The Fall that you miss? Have you made a virtue out of necessity by changing bands all the time?
Sylvia Vesco, Venice
No. None. The group that did Fall Heads Roll turned out to be total fucking idiots. This is what the fans want to hear, of course – that band abandoned me and the wife in the desert in America, because they’re soft bastards. I’ve got a marvellous group now, they’re half American, half English. They work harder, American musicians – as opposed to Mancunians who just stand around crying for their mams, like Noel Gallagher.
What makes you laugh?
Pat Clarke, Colchester
I like to make me own jokes up. But I do watch TV, too much – you’ve got to know your enemy. It’s fucking pathetic. I don’t know how they get away with it, especially the BBC. Me mam gets £70 a week as a pensioner and she has to pay £120 a year to watch people doing their fucking houses up. You can see that anywhere. If you want to see fucking builders, you can just look out of the window.
What writers are you into at the moment?
Ben Hamley, Devon
You see, this is one of my problems with this. I’m not going to give all my secrets away. When people ask me for a Top 10 of my best singles, I always tell them a load of crap like Abba and that. No, really, I do. Why should I? Like, when was the last time you shagged your wife? It’s your job to write about the LP, not to ask me personal questions. Have you got any change there, John? I think I need about £1.70.