The Transporter

Opened December 27, Cert 15, 94 mins

Don't be fooled by an ad campaign that declares "from the maker of Leon and The Fifth Element". Luc Besson is on board as producer only, presenting this lame adaptation of a script he clearly co-authored after several large bottles of dessert wine.

A pumped-up Statham plays Frank, an ex-Commando with a strangely variable transatlantic accent. Frank's now a "transporter" based in the south of France—for a large fee, he'll shift any item in his customised battle-ready Mercedes. His golden rule is "never open the package." Naturally, the first thing he does in this movie is open the package, which turns out to contain a drop-dead-beautiful mystery woman (Shu Qi). Before you can say "oops," Frank is six-pack deep in corrupt American businessmen and crazed Chinese assassins. Mercifully, Hong Kong director Corey Yuen can choreograph a mean fight, and Statham proves to be no slouch in the ass-kicking department—the only elements of an otherwise excruciating movie that drag it away from one-star hell. Besson really should be ashamed of himself.

Rating: 2 / 10