Horror classic remade for post-Scream teens

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Not exactly a sequel (there’s already been four), but not exactly a remake either?at least not in the way Gus Van Sant remade Psycho. This hybrid only makes sense when you remember your average mall rat would rather stick pins in his eyes than watch anything made in the dark ages before T2. That puts the original Massacre off-menu, so here’s a modern version with all the pert titties, CGI slayings and MTV-style edits teens of today claim as their birthright.

The new plot: our vanful of teens (principal shrieker Jessica Biel and four expendables) pick up a massacre survivor and go to the local sherrif (Full Metal Jacket’s R Lee Ermey), only to find the whole town’s in the massacring business. They try to escape, but die instead, and it all builds to a decent crescendo as Biel faces off against Leatherface?in this version, a standard bogeyman with a daft back-story. But nothing can change the fact the original was terrifying, groundbreaking and notorious?and this isn’t.